interstalking

Menver: a nickname for the city of Denver, because of the belief that men outnumber women drastically…

From urbandictionary.com

I never wanted to write about Denver-specific items in this blog.  I don’t want my readership to be limited because of living in what people who don’t live here tend to think is:

1. a cowtown
2. really cold and snowy
3. in the middle of the country and therefore patently uncool

For those of us who live in this progressive, and (again, don’t tell anyone) sunny, mild-wintering city, we know how cool “The Other D” is.  I call Denver “The Other D”, because the other important “D” of my adulthood is Detroit, “The D”, and “Menver”, as you’ll see, is just a gross misrepresentation of Denver.

I’m changing my tune on writing about The Other D because I have facts, figures, and recent legislation on my side telling me Denver is hot, our problems are worth talking about, and, frankly, people should care. Yes, I’m referring to the fact that over 200,000 people moved to Colorado between 2009 and 2010 (over 89,000 of whom relocated to the metro-Denver vicinity, with 20,000 to Denver proper).  And yes, Denver is the number one destination for Millennials.

And yes, of course, I’m really talking about the fact that Colorado has legalized recreational marijuana. New York Times reporters are having near death experiences in our fancy hotels, people.  Denver is on the cusp!  We’re almost cool, I think!

You do smell copious weed when you’re walking your dog here, and I do live among dispensaries called “Dr. Reefer” and “Chronic Wellness”.  These are exciting times.  Or, very relaxing, depending on how you choose to experience them.

While all Denverites bemoan the influx of people to our city: creating shade, driving up rents, and causing the construction of high-rise apartment buildings with names like “Line 78” (WTF?), more conservative parties ponder the long term effects of legalized recreational pot.  As a Denverite with a fairly good deal on my rental who enjoys an edible every once in a while, I choose to bring a more insidious scourge to light than low vacancy and high rent (can’t last forever), slow sandwich makers, and spaced out parties taking forever to order in bars.

My first “The Other D” post must focus on the growing incidence of Denver Guy Disease. I’ve been using this delineator frequently in personal conversations and have been urged by my community to go public with my findings.  No one is immune to “Denver Guy Disease”.  It affects people who were raised here (Colorado “Natives”) as well as those who are new in town.

What’s Denver Guy Disease?  Well, it’s all around you in the Mile High City.  In fact, you probably notice Denver Guys (the ones who have it) all the time when you’re driving: they’re running shirtless on the creek path or appear magically in the bike lane next to you. You may inadvertently swerve as you’re taken surprise by their rampant daytime sexiness.  Multiple auto accidents are narrowly avoided daily because of these guys, and that’s not the only reason they’re a threat to public health.  You don’t even have time to wonder how they’re out jogging while you’re on your lunch break eating chips you spilled in your lap.  Let’s face it: Denver guys are extremely foxy.  You can’t miss them, especially because they take off their shirts so much.

If you’re single and dating, you can identify “Denver Guys” with the following clues:

1)    You can’t see their faces in any of their profile pictures online, because they’re always wearing helmets, face warmers, and/or sunglasses.

2)    In their online dating profile, what they’re looking for includes, “if you have an Epic Pass, it’s a major plus” or “I moved to Colorado to enjoy the many outdoor activities it offers. Looking for a lady who wants to do the same.” They likely feature photos of them holding a sign on top of a fourteener.  (For non- Coloradoans, climbing “fourteeners” is a thing here, and means getting up really early to hike up a really tall mountain.)

3)    A Denver Guy may cancel your first date because he’s stuck in traffic on I-70; he made the date but tried to get in a few runs at Breck before he drove down to take you out tonight.  And he cancels via text.

4)    A Denver Guy may claim to be an entrepreneur but manages to disappear to the ski resorts every Friday (why it took a month to schedule your first date that he cancelled) and go to yoga every day.

5)    A Denver Guy’s Instagram feed may be a string of selfies… where he is shirtless, with his shirtless bros in the background. Somehow Denver Guys are always out and about, but they obviously have time to work out even when it’s not ski season.  Instagram photos may be accompanied by some condescending motivational speak like “Life is meant to be lived, so get outside!”, or even a quote from Jack London.

6)   It’s unclear how Denver Guys make time to date though they’re on Tinder.  A Denver Guy’s profile may contain a motivational phrase or quote similar to the ones mentioned in reference to Instagram.  His main photo may be a view of his rippled back muscles as he hangs off a rock.

Living in Denver as a single lady, you may relate to these experiences:

1)    You can’t seem to meet anyone when you go out (other than couples, other women, gays, or guys under twenty five), but that one time you took the gondola up Snowmass Mountain on Labor Day you saw like three hundred hot mountain bikers and understood the meaning of Menver.  I.e., Menver is the mountains!  Because that’s where all the Denver Guys go every weekend when they’re cancelling your date.

2)    You accidentally went to a climbing gym once when you couldn’t find the laser hair removal place and had the same experience as on the gondola ride.

3)    You have posted a Craigslist “missed connection” for someone you ran past at Wash Park. You never see guys like this at the bar unless you’re in Summit County.  And then you get asked out by four of them in the same night.  Of course you don’t live in Vail and they’ll never come to The Other D.

4)    Somehow the “Denver Guys” are the only ones you’re really attracted to, because they make the normal guys look so out of shape.

5)    You date men with ridiculously fit bodies, therefore you always feel fat.

6)    You manage to have sex with a marathoner and are compelled to run faster than you ever have.  It’s like you absorbed some of his athletic essence.  You feel alive.  You wonder what would happen if you drank his blood.

It’s not just single women who are affected by “Denver Guys”. You may be experiencing things like this if you’re in a relationship:

1)    You suggest doing something on a particular weekend, say, the one four to five days from now. Your boyfriend’s response is “well, we can try, but if the snow’s good, I’m not going to be able to go.”

2)    The only thing your significant other plans is buying his ski pass for the following season.

3)    Quality time together consists of sitting in your car on I-70 in traffic; when you’re on the mountain he’s just zooming down in front of you or abandoning you completely to ski or ride triple diamonds.

4)    You rarely see your live in boyfriend, as he spends most evenings in the climbing gym, and weekends anytime it isn’t freezing or precipitating hanging off a rock.

5)    You’ve cohabitated for years, and while purchasing real estate has never come up, your boyfriend’s gear collection alone would cover a down payment.

6)    A lot of arguments about how much time you’re not spending together end with him saying “I thought you liked to ski/ride/climb/run!”

And don’t forget about fishing.  Apparently there are a lot of anglers out there too, and that’s an activity that must be done far from the places women like to hang out, for the most part.

In synopsis, Denver Guys are so interested in partaking of the myriad adult playtime activities available in the Mile High and vicinity (we’re not limited to extreme sports here) what is most important is the bro and the lifestyle.  The relentless pursuit of that lifestyle supercedes all else.

Denver Guy Disease affects more than the men who have it (and really, I can’t see any negative effects to the Denver Guys themselves other than possible permanent bachelorhood – they won’t know until it’s too late).  Denver Guys affect the women who love them too.  I’m sure there’s a female equivalent – and I’m not sure if an outdoors-obsessed woman would be a nightmare for a Denver guy (conflicting sports maybe?) or his dream.  I’ll never know.  Because I’m not that girl.

So, all my Detroit players who have heard the “Menver” stories… listen to me before you pack up your black leather and vinyl.  Yes, there are tons of hot guys here, and Yes, you can have sex with them, and it can be amazing, and you may end up feeling like you somehow cheated gravity and time and working out harder than ever for several days afterwards.  But having a relationship with one of these tasty numbers is just as hard as it was with drummers back in the D.  Denver Guys are the new musicians.