Hilarious Things I Can’t Tweet – Part I

So I’ve said a couple things lately that people thought were extremely funny and to be honest I knew I was being funny when I said them, because like, I don’t really mean this stuff, I’m not that crazy, or that much of a jerk.  But I AM that funny.  I could never tweet these things but I have to get more people to laugh at them because I need your validation.

My twelve year old nephew has a girlfriend now, and his Instagram has gotten way more exciting than mine.  I pointed out to my sister that he is involved in a longer relationship than I have had the past three years, and she said “yeah, they just had their three month anniversary”.

To this I replied that if I had a three month anniversary with someone I’d be planning a wedding or an unplanned pregnancy.

You must admit this shit is hilarious but no one would get the joke if I tweeted it.  Marriage – I’m not sure if it’s my thing, at least in the traditional sense.  Unplanned pregnancy on the other hand is totally appealing to me because I can’t imagine making that kind of decision on my own.  But you can’t plan an unplanned pregnancy… duh…

Today, my friend mentioned that she’d be going to an opening games party for the Olympics, and she’d totally invite me except that it would be suburban with babies and stuff.  ”Oh, I don’t want to go,” I said, “I like babies, but I don’t want to hang out with them on the weekend.”

I think this should make sense to anyone without babies.  But that doesn’t stop it from being really funny.

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